In this email:

1. Reflections on a Hero's Journey
2. 5 latest videos
3. Beyond Autistic Burnout course
4. Recent popular Tweet
5. Additional resource options
6. Next free workshop
7. Feature article: Why I get mad when people compliment my smile

Hi Reader,

I've been so focused on creating and starting this burnout course for the last several months, that I haven't updated you at all on one other important thing that's been going on in my coaching life: my master coach training program.

This started back in April, and has been a weekly staple in the background of everything else that has been going on.

I'm bringing it up now because there's less than two months left, and they've been encouraging us to reflect on the journey we've made since the beginning.

They are likening it to the Hero's Journey, in which someone goes off to solve some problem, and it results in a grand adventure (though it often feels like hardship in the midst of it), and has to confront monsters and demons (often inside themselves), and learns that they really are capable of so much more than they ever thought, and solves the problem (or reinvents it), and comes home different than they were and brings home the fruits of their labor for the people.

Practicing my coaching with this small group of 12 master coach trainees (through Martha Beck's Wayfinder Master Coach program), and several master coach mentors, has definitely up-leveled my coaching. But honestly, it's been the adventure of making the burnout course that has been my real Hero's Journey.

I have learned so much about myself, and yes, confronted my own demons and monsters, done much more than I thought I could in this short of a time without pushing myself into burnout in the process (and OMG there was soooo much to do to make this happen, I didn't anticipate how much when I committed to it, or I would have given myself a longer timeframe, but that's what happens in these kinds of journey's, right? The hero knows it's going to be hard, but never suspects just how hard it's going to be), and made something that I am truly proud of, and that is, from the feedback I've been getting, providing a lot of genuine value to the people.

I've shared parts of that process with you along the way, and may share more on some of the inner turmoil in due course, after I've processed more of it and am ready to share.

It also occurs to me that my process of figuring out I'm Autistic, and leaving everything in my life to go off and live in a van for three years to confront my inner demons of reflecting on my whole life and healing old traumas and learning to unmask and find the authentic me and let my old identity die (it really felt like this at times) and reinvent myself, and start this coaching practice where I bring the fruits of that inner labor to my community, was another Hero's Journey.

What have been yours? Are you in the midst of one now?

These are some of the things I've been reflecting on. I'm not sure if I have a specific point to make, but am sure that each of these Journeys has been 1000% worth it. And I'll do it again. and again.

Wishing you a neurowonderful day,
Heather

P.S. If you want to join in the burnout recovery course, even though we've already started, that's not a problem, since it is designed to be accessible asynchronously. If you still want in, you'll get access to the first module's recordings and can join us for the live meetings in the future (if you want to).

​

5 Latest Videos

Transcripts are in the video descriptions.
​

​I upset others when I mask less: Learning the difference between masking and sensitivity​

​

​

​When I make myself do things I don’t want to​

​

​

​Resources for increasing internal awareness​

​

​

​Masking vs social filtering​

​

​

​Here's Why I Get Mad When People Compliment My Smile​

​

Beyond Autistic Burnout

A practical system for sustainable recovery, without quitting everything.

When you're Autistic or AuDHD, the executive function demands of dealing with everyday life can take a heavy toll. All the peopling, transitions, inertia, the sensory load, and more, can wear you down, even while you're doing what you love and making the difference you want to in the world.

I developed a system to help Autistic, AuDHD and ND adults break away from the burnout cycle.

It will help you:

• Say no to things without guilt, shame, or anxious thoughts plaguing you.
• Make healthy changes to your sensory environment and relationships that you know you need without worrying constantly about repercussions.
• Have the executive function capacity to function on a daily basis.
• Make real-time adjustments so that you don't have to suffer through bad situations.
• Free up energy to do the things you want.

If this seems like it might be what you've been looking for, all the juicy details are here:

(It's a long read, but worth it.)

Recent Popular Tweet​
​

Heather Cook 🦓🖖Autistic Life Coach @hmm_cook If you want to unmask, your nervous system, your anxieties, your memory is going to need a lot of time and genuine experiences of this going well to be able to trust that alternatives to masking are possible. #AutisticMasking #unmasking #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic… https://x.com/i/web/status/1841846923323376107 9:25 AM • Oct 3, 2024 8 Retweets 38 Likes Read 4 replies

​

Next Free Workshop

Practical Tips for Disclosing Your Autism​

At various points in your later identification autism Journey, you’ll want or need to tell someone that you’re Autistic (or think you might be). But how?

There are so many possible reactions, and you’ve heard of (or experienced) negative ones, and want to avoid those. But how?

In this workshop, I’ll offer a few key tips for approaching this so it is more likely to go well, along with some things to consider and several sample scripts to get you started with what to say.

We’ll cover family/personal as well as work situations.

Tuesday, December 3rd
12 PM PT - 3 PM ET - 8 PM BST

Here's Why I Get Mad When People Compliment My Smile

I never understood why I get mad when people compliment my smile, until now.

​Read this on my website here​

​

I just had a personal revelation literally just a few minutes ago, and I want to share this with you.

So TMI time. Throughout most of my life, even to this day, when someone comments about, “Oh, it’s so nice to see you smiling!” or “It’s so good to see you happy!”, my immediate gut reaction is almost always, “F you!” or “Who the hell do you think you are?” Or some other similarly colorful reaction. And I can feel it coming up inside me, and like my temperature raises. Often I can hide it quite well, but this is definitely going on. Sometimes I don’t hide it, or not entirely.

Sometimes that doesn’t happen. There have been occasions, depending on the exact circumstances and the person who’s saying it and the way they say it, I might actually take it as a compliment. But a lot of the time, it triggers this immediate reaction.

And I’ve known for a while that this is likely a trauma response, but I wasn’t able to figure out what to. I haven’t had any particular traumas around smiling. But what just occurred to me… And someone was talking about this, and they were talking about how they have that similar kind of “F you” reaction when other people tell them positive affirmations (which also happens with me, I hate them).

But what connected in my mind was that, until actually very recently (just a few years ago), I did not smile very much. I didn’t laugh very easily. I didn’t express my emotions on my face and in my body very often. It happened, there was some, but it wasn’t a lot. This is what’s known as flat affect, and it’s very common among Autistics to varying degrees. And I would say I’m sort of in the middle. I did express some on a fairly regular basis, but it wasn’t a lot.

Expressing emotions

So what would happen was, when I was young, there would be times when I would smile and I would really light up, and someone would make a comment about, “Oh, it’s so nice to see you smiling.” And what I think was going on is that a part of me learned that I would get that comment when I expressed my inner feelings in a way that was socially acceptable, but I wouldn’t get that response all of the other times that I was happy, and I was happy a fair amount. I had a reasonably decent childhood overall.

So this led to me learning to mask more. It led to me learning that I’m supposed to express smiling, express emotions in socially acceptable ways. I didn’t just take it as a compliment, I took it as a criticism. And depending on the person, I think it could have been either.

But what I think that part of me was hearing was, ‘I’m not okay being who I am, unless it also looks like what you’re expecting’. And I felt like I wasn’t okay being who I was, and therefore I had to try and pretend to be something else, or try to show my emotions, or to smile when I’m happy.

I’m reminded of that children’s game, ‘if you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands’. I hated that game for very similar reasons, besides the whole clapping (there was so much clapping, there’s so much sensory stuff involved with it). But I think that game was also triggering this feeling of, ‘I’m happy. I know that I’m happy. Why do I have to show you that in this particularly socially appropriate way?’

So that part of me that felt not accepted by society as a young child, is still that part of me that comes up and wants to give the finger to anyone who says, “Oh, it’s so nice to see you smiling.”

Being okay with me

So that’s the thing that I put together. And I think that what I’m going to be taking from this is recognizing where it came from is incredibly helpful. And actually, as I’m talking through this right now, it’s soothing that very young part of me that felt like she wasn’t accepted unless she expressed emotions in socially appropriate ways.

And I’m actually feeling a little bit of emotion coming up right now. I think after I turn this video off, I’m going to be crying for a few minutes because I just need a little bit of time to grieve that she went through that. That I went through that.

And another thing that I’m taking away from this is that I’m okay to be me. That’s not new. I’ve been coming to that over and over and over for the last eight or nine years, since I figured out the autism stuff. But it keeps coming back and in new ways, and so this is another one of those moments.

I can express myself how I am. I can be who I am in the world.

I do express more now, the flat affect is still around pretty strongly when I’m very stressed, but it has considerably reduced throughout the rest of my life and I’ve arranged my life to be fairly low-stress for the most part. The low stress is an improvement, but the fact that the flat affect is less, that’s not an improvement. That’s not success, because it was never a goal for me.

It’s just that’s the way I’m expressing myself in the world now, and how I used to express myself in the world was totally fine too. And how it turns out in the future, however that might be, that’s going to be totally fine too. I have no idea what that’s going to be, but however I show up in the world is beautiful. It’s exactly what I need right now. That’s what I’m taking away from this.

Alright, so you get to watch me process some stuff here, and I’m going to turn this off and go cry for a few minutes. Take care. Have a neurowonderful day.

​

About Heather
​

Hi, I’m Heather. I’m Autistic, ADHD, disabled, and building a life I love.

I coach Autistic and other neurodivergent humans on creating their own neurowonderful lives.

Want personalized support in making your life more autism-friendly? See if 1:1 coaching is a good fit for you.
​

​​​​​