In this email:

1. An important decision
2. 4 latest videos
3. Beyond Autistic Burnout course
4. Recent popular Tweet
5. Additional resource options
6. Next free workshop
7. Feature article: I Upset Others When I Mask Less

Hi Reader,

I've been making the materials for the next module in the burnout recovery course, on seeking authenticity. It's about unmasking, yes, but it's so much more than that.

As I've been making this, it's been hitting home for me personally. Specifically, there is a decision I've been wrestling with, that when I'm entirely honest with myself, I know what I want, but there are also good reasons to maintain the status quo. And I just figured out that it ultimately comes down to worrying about people's reactions and not wanting to disappoint.

Those are valid concerns, and there are times when another's reaction can be genuinely dangerous, or disrupt things in ways I don't want, and there are times when it can be worth the cost to give in to that. But is this one of those times? Honestly, no.

Even if people are disappointed, is it going to damage our relationship? It is possible for a few people. But for most, probably not. I hope, and trust, that most people will understand and be able to adjust.

There's a difference between being disappointed in a person, as a human being, and being disappointed to miss out on something, because you were looking forward to it.

And the part of me that got me into multiple burnouts wants me to soldier on and hurt myself to keep my word and do everything I promised, but I know what's at the end of that path: another burnout. And that is no longer an option.

So I've made the decision, as hard as it is, to not be my own slave driver.

This means that I'll be rescheduling the next free workshop from December to March 11.

If you are signed up for it, you'll get a separate email from me with a fuller explanation.

I expect this will cause some disappointment (I am also looking forward to sharing on the topic), but I just don't have the capacity to do everything that it takes to put this workshop on right now, and the burnout course takes priority.

I hope that any disappointment won't irrevocably damage our relationship, but if that is your reaction, I honor that as well and apologize.

It matters to me that a relationship is a win-win. And right now, putting on this workshop would be win-loose. I would be giving more than I have capacity for, and would not be able to give wholeheartedly.

In March, after the course is over, and I've had some time to rest, I'll be all in, and happily put on the workshop and share what I've learned on the topic willingly and unreservedly.

Until then, my focus is on the course.

I'll be entirely transparent with you, that there is a knot in the pit of my stomach right now as I write this, and change the various settings to reschedule the workshop. I'm using all my tricks to soothe my nervous system, and self-coaching, and have talked with my own coach a bunch this week. I'm a little (okay, a lot) freaking out about changing the date after committing to something that people have signed up for, and I don't want to see myself as the kind of person who would do that. But I'm also reminding myself that this doesn't make me a terrible person, and I'll get through this just like I've gotten through plenty of other disappointments in my life.

And honestly, is this really that big of a deal? I can certainly make it out to be one in my head. I can put all sorts of meaning onto it: "I'm a person who keeps her commitments," and "people won't ever trust me again," and "now they'll be scared I won't follow through with the course stuff," and more. But in the grand scheme of things, this doesn't change who I am (a generally very reliable person), and other people are allowed to have their own reactions, and me driving myself into burnout to avoid changing the date of a free workshop is defeating the whole point. I've worked too hard to go down that path ever again.

And part of recovering from burnout is recognizing my limits and being able to modify plans as needed.

I'll get through this, and I trust you will, too.

I'm going to press send, and make this public, and reschedule the date, and deal with the fallout (if there even is any). It's probably not going to be nearly as big of a deal as I think it will be. And if it is, I can get through it. I've gotten through much worse. And I will again.

Okay, I'll end here.

Wishing you a neurowonderful day,
Heather

P.S. If you want to join the burnout recovery course, even though we've already started, you're welcome to. Since it's designed to be accessible asynchronously, you'll get access to the first two module recordings and can join us for the live meetings in the future (if you want to).

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4 Latest Videos

Transcripts are in the video descriptions.

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​I can handle messy. I don’t like fake.​

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​What unmasking is not​

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​Your adults didn’t know better​

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​I upset others when I mask less: Learning the difference between masking and sensitivity​

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Beyond Autistic Burnout

A practical system for sustainable recovery, without quitting everything.

If you're Autistic or AuDHD, and in autistic burnout, and want someone who has been-there-and-done-that-and-come-out-the-other-side to shine the light on how to make a positive life for your neurodivergent and autistic self (how's that for a sentence), this might be what you've been looking for.

After working with over a hundred other Autistics and AuDHDers and NDs break the burnout cycle, I've developed a system that works.

I won't pretend that it'll fix everything quickly, but it took a long time to get where you are now, either. Making a better, sustainable life is possible.

Intrigued? all the juicy details are here:

(It's a long read, but worth it.)

Recent Popular Tweet​
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Heather Cook 🦓🖖Autistic Life Coach @hmm_cook Your abilities and productivity have nothing to do with your worth as a person. #ActuallyAutistic #Autistic #AuDHD 9:28 AM • Oct 15, 2024 8 Retweets 31 Likes

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Next Free Workshop

Practical Tips for Disclosing Your Autism​

At various points in your later identification autism Journey, you’ll want or need to tell someone that you’re Autistic (or think you might be). But how?

There are so many possible reactions, and you’ve heard of (or experienced) negative ones, and want to avoid those. But how?

In this workshop, I’ll offer a few key tips for approaching this so it is more likely to go well, along with some things to consider and several sample scripts to get you started with what to say.

We’ll cover family/personal as well as work situations.

Tuesday, March 11th
12 PM PT - 3 PM ET - 8 PM BST

I Upset Others When I Mask Less

Sometimes when we unmask our autism, other people will have big reactions and get really upset, and we might think that we have to go back to masking because of that. But here's a third option.

​Read this on my website here​

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I’ve had three different clients this week bring up roughly the same issue, and I thought I might address it, because it’s something that I see coming up over and over. And it’s this.

Sometimes as Autistics, when we go through one of those phases where we’re going to try not to mask as much, or we just don’t have the energy to mask that day or that moment, or we’re wiped out, or we’re in burnout, or whatever reason, we’re just being a little bit more ourselves, a little less masked. And sometimes other people can have kind of a big reaction to something that we say, and yet what we said is entirely the truth, and it wasn’t actually mean.

It wasn’t that we were genuinely being hurtful. And we know intellectually that this reaction from the other person really was their issue. It was something in them that was coming up that was creating this big reaction.

So we have this situation where we’ve said something that was really probably just fine, and the other person had a big reaction to it, but we know that if we had masked more, the situation would have gone very differently and it wouldn’t have become an issue.

So what’s happening here? A lot of times, when my clients come to me with these situations, the message that they’re taking away from it is basically, ‘Oh, I guess that means that I need to keep masking. Unmasking is not okay.’ I’m taking a different message from it.

I’ll admit that when I was first unmasking, I took that same message from it, but I’m thinking about it differently now that I’ve had a lot more experience with it and have processed through more of what’s going on.

And I think that the core of it is this. There is a difference between unmasking and being insensitive. And I might phrase it the opposite way as well. Masking is not always sensitive, and sensitivity is not necessarily the same thing as masking.

Okay, I’m going to explain this more. So when we’re masking, we’re putting in a lot of effort to try and present ourselves in a way that the other person can handle, that will go over well, that they will see as appropriate, and that the things are going to work well, and they’ll take us seriously, or they will be okay with what we’ve said, or whatever it is.

So we’re putting in a lot of energy to manage that, to structure the situation, to come off in a certain way. And as we’re doing that, we are actually taking a lot of information into account about the other person.

We’re thinking about what they’re thinking, and how they’re going to take something, and their background and their history, as much as we know about them, and how things have gone with other people that we know that might have similar situations. And we’re trying to take that into account in order to get it just right as much as we can.

Masking less

When we play with masking less, one of the goals of that is to use less energy in our social interactions, and a completely normal transition phase of that masking less is using less energy and just not thinking about all of those things, because it feels like all of those things are what masking is, and masking can be that.

But there’s another phase that after we practice just not using quite as much energy for every single interaction, which I think is a very good thing, being more authentically ourselves – which I think is a very good thing. What I started incorporating back into my interactions with people, at some point – because I also went through that phase where things didn’t always go as smoothly because I was masking less – what I’ve started incorporating back in is more sensitivity, more attunement to the other person.

Thinking about what’s their history? What is it that they need? What will go over well? Things like that.

Not in a way that is covering up who I am, but in a way that is just responsive to wanting to be kind to the other person, to knowing, “Oh, this topic is sensitive for them. Oh, they have a history around this issue, so I want to tread lightly there because I genuinely, actually care that they’re okay right now. And if I say this, then they will not be okay. But if I say this, they’ll probably be okay.” And I can still be completely honest. I can still be entirely myself, and I’m noticing how I come across to them and what will affect them. And what they need to be okay right now.

I can negotiate that and navigate that. And it’s not always the same, and I’ll admit, I don’t always do it perfectly, but it’s improved my relationships so much. And it’s genuinely not masking because I’m not putting up a false front. I am not compromising who I am or what my truth is, and I’m not saying things just because society demands it. I’m saying something because it is the truth, and I can give a portion of it that is what the other person can tolerate at the moment.

I can maybe even give more of it, or all of it, if that’s what they can tolerate at the moment. But I’m a little bit more aware of that. I’m still using some energy to do this, but because I’m not masking myself, I have more energy available to me so that I can use some energy to be more aware of the other person.

Is this distinction making sense? I’m not sure how well I’m expressing this. I just wanted to float this idea that there is a version of being sensitive to the other person, to being aware of the other person, to being attuned with the other person, that isn’t the same thing as masking. It takes a little bit more energy than being very raw with someone, but I find that that little bit of upfront energy usually is less than the amount of energy that it takes to handle or mitigate the bad reaction and the break in the relationship that happens in time when I’m not sensitive to who they are and what they need.

And because relationships have become, in this process, more important to me than, honestly, they ever have been in my life, I’m willing to put in a little bit of work for the sake of the relationship, because I care about this person and I want them to be okay.

Okay, so that’s my thoughts at the moment. I’m curious how this is landing for you. I would love to read your thoughts in the comments. Yeah. And if you are interested in some of my other videos, I’ve got a bunch throughout YouTube and on my blog. But I will leave it there. Have a neurowonderful day.

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About Heather
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Hi, I’m Heather. I’m Autistic, ADHD, disabled, and building a life I love.

I coach Autistic and other neurodivergent humans on creating their own neurowonderful lives.

Want personalized support in making your life more autism-friendly? See if 1:1 coaching is a good fit for you.
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